This week, I’m thinking about friendship breakups. There are several topics which I constantly circle around for the newsletter and never get down to writing about and this is one of them. It has always seemed too personal, too sensitive, too invasive. It wasn’t until I had a call with Amanda of Loyal Nana, who was also ruminating on this topic, that I decided to dive in. She asked me about my own major friend breakup and every neuron lit up and my entire body got tingly (in a not-so-great way). Sharing the details with her was revealing. These are stories we want to tell, but for a variety of reasons, we don’t. Below is our back forth on the topic: 

Leave it to Leonor: I’ve been lucky to not have too many friendship breakups - some fade outs, sure, but no big blowouts. When talking about the big one, one of the first questions you asked me was if I imagined that this person was a “forever” friend and I said I thought she was, but now, of course in retrospect, I see that she was just supposed to be my friend for this specific length of time, something I refer to as a “season of life friend”. Either way, it reminded me of this Olivia de Recat drawing which absolutely shatters my heart every time I see it. (DOG!)(I should just buy it already right?) 

 I am firmly on the other side of this friendship breakup which made it much easier to have some perspective for this conversation. But you on the other hand, were/are right at the tail end and trying to sort that all out.

Loyal Nana: That illustration reminded me of one that I found on the web back in 2019 that inspired me to first write about friendships lost, also in collaboration with you! 

(I’ve searched far and wide for the origin of the illustration, but only found this Tumblr account.)

I felt immense sadness when I first saw that illustration because it is such a hard journey. 

I am currently right at the tail end of my breakup and I feel so free. My ex-friend and I broke up exactly a year ago, and I couldn’t shake or get out from under the feeling of sorrow, confusion, and dread of the whole year. It wasn’t until I made this friendship breakup survey and started talking to people about their own friendship breakups that I realized how common and painful the end of friendships can be. In these conversations, people spoke about friendships that ended after 12 years and breakups that happened as far back as 20 years. Some people said things like “The effects of a friendship break up are almost as traumatizing as a divorce” while others advised, "Move on faster. Live your life [because] people will come and go.

Hearing from other people, over and over, that this was one of the most painful things that they have ever experienced in their lives somehow normalized all of my pain and confusion around my own breakup. Not feeling alone in this helped me move on with my life once and for all.

This survey response from a V. from Uptown, NYC is really my current mood about the breakup:

Now that the actual friendship and the mourning are both (almost) over and done with, I feel more free than ever. I guess you are right, some friends are not forever friends, but a "season of life friend.”

LITL: I feel like more people could do with some acceptance surrounding the "season of life friend" because that breakup survey - wow wow wow. People poured their hearts out and while every situation was clearly different, it is so clear that friend breakups are as devastating as romantic ones. The age range alone! We had people from the 18-24 range all the way to 65-74. Friendship breakups truly come for everyone. 

I'm glad you brought up closure because what I found most interesting was that we gave that question an open-ended option and got an incredible amount of differing replies on "closure" (is closure really even a thing?! (I think that's a separate newsletter topic)

It feels like it goes hand in hand with the idea of your mourning period being over. In your case, with hindsight, you see that she wasn't a great friend. I have a different experience because she was! Either way, we both had to process that heartbreak just like we would any good or bad boyfriend. "The only way out is through" and all that. 

One last part of the survey that really hit me hard was the small percentage (12.9%) of people who answered "yes" with regards to being friends with their former friend and the 35.5% who said "maybe" - so much hope for nearly half the folks who replied!

LN: A lot said “no” too, and that was the first time I really thought about whether I’d be friends with her today or not. If you had asked me this a few months ago, I would have said  “of course!” Now, post-mourning, my answer would be different and a lot of it has to do with how it ended, how the ball was in her court and she didn’t do anything with it. 

The hardest part for me was having to readjust. We talked and fantasized sooo much about the future and how it would be for us, both individually and also together, and when I think about our friendship, that part is always where I get the saddest. 

Anyway, I love that your ex-friend was such a good friend to you and that you saw her in your life forever. Those friendships are hard to end and even harder to get over. Recently, I have found myself thinking more about the really wonderful friendships that have ended for so many, and less about those toxic friendships that had to end, and I suddenly feel sad and sorry that you lost a really good one. . . 

LITL: Oh that is so sweet, but I do think that I've made my peace with it. We've seen each other a few times and it has been fine and cordial. And I really have accepted the "season of life" mentality. And it is abundantly clear after our conversation and the poll and the discussions I've had around this that not everyone is forever! And friendships grow and fade and evolve and that is healthy and normal. (I sound so well adjusted, don't I?) 

LN: LOL! You really do, and I love that. It really gives me hope for all the emotions I have yet to feel around this and all the friendships I’ve yet to make or not make. Thank you for not only going deeper with me on friendship breakups, but also for being an amazing friend.

LITL: I LOVE YOU TOO, FRIEND!

​This week in reading. . .
Casey McQuinston is very good at what she does, but I Kissed Shara Wheeler does not come close to beating out Red, White and Royal Blue. And the ending felt like it went on and on. Now I am reading the latest Finlay Donovan and when I am done I will have reached my book goal (52 books) for the year! Does this mean I should DOUBLE my goal?! 

​This week in listening. . .
Janelle Monae. JANELLE. MONAE. 

We Used to Be Friends on repeat because I like to create a whole vibe. 

​This week in TV. . .
A new season of Taste the Nation and Padma really has no business looking so good all the time.

Firefly Lane wrapped up and I really am pro-Katherine Heigl now. 

​​This week in a gif. . .

This week in movies. . .
Friend of the newsletter Cynthia and her husband's short documentary The Sun Rises in the East is now streaming on Amazon. 

​This week in a newsletter. . .
Louder for the folks in the back: take child-free vacations!!!

The latest issue of Making It features a TV writer who explains how difficult it is to make a living while writing for TV. 

​This week in follow this account. . .
Meet Cutes NYC is so damn sweet - I especially love the older couples. (h/t Nichole)

This week in google searches*. . .

And related to last week's search of how does one become an ambassador? - the diplomat fact check!

*thank you to Ashlea Halpern for the idea to make this recurring!

​This week in one good thing. . .
Despite all the running around, spending Mother's Day with all the wonderful mom's in my family and Mamiche was pretty damn great. 

​This week in a quote. . .
"Bigotry is not merely a different opinion that we should expose ourselves to. It isn’t an intellectual exercise or a useful contribution to a range of diverse viewpoints. It is an evil that must be eradicated. It must be identified as unacceptable, as often as necessary. And it should be denied the oxygen of the media. Freedom of speech does not guarantee unfettered access to media coverage." - Roxane Gay

​This week in artsy stuff and photo things. . .
This brilliant Ikea campaign. 

These tiny stories for tiny people. 

This week in an Editor's Note. . .
This question broke my brain and now I would like it to break yours. 

I want everyone who reads this to answer me. PLEASE. WITH VISUALS. I will share responses next week, including my own answer. 

​This week on the internet. . .
Fascinating piece by Prince Harry's ghostwriter. 

Hunter Harris on the start of the Renaissance World Tour. 

This post on running into your ex made me snicker (the comments too!). 

I never ever remember my Myers-Brigg results, but if I had to guess based on this, I'd say ENTJ. 

These "thought criminals" are so embarrassing. 

So delighted to learn about the concept of community baby showers. 

I do not want to constantly be linking to election stuff here, but this piece by Molly Jong-Fast about the major hurdle for DeSantis is too good to not share. 

me, book shopping,
Leonor

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